You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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