The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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