I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
