where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
