good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
