I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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