i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She tied me up with her honor cords...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
