hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
