i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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