she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
