Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
