I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
