Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
