I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
