I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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