I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
