i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
someone owes me an orgasm
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Enjoy the penises
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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