Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
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The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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