i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
