When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
