conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
