so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
