i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
