And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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