i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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