All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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