So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
