Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
