If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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