I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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