she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
