I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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