Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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