she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
