Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
