Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
