I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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