It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
