Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm both gender and math confused
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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