grandma shit on top of the toilet
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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