im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
