She went from zero to smokin in five shots
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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