Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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