I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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