i barfeds in our rink
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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