It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
