i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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