That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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