I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
