What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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