it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
