Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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